Got the Money Anyway

(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)

Play script by Cui Kai et al.

Characters

Uncle Zhao, acted by Zhao Benshan

Shenyang, acted by Shen He

CCTV Man, acted by Bi Fujian

Yadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)

小品：“不差钱”

（2009年中央电视台春节联欢晚会节目）

编创者 崔凯 等

表演者 赵本山、沈鹤、毕福剑、王金凤（毛毛）

（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）

(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)

赵本山：到了。

毛毛： 到了。

赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。

毛毛： 爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。

赵本山：啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。

毛毛： 爷爷，这家老贵的啦。

赵本山：贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？

毛毛： 我没拿包啊。

赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。

毛毛： 完了，让我落炕上了。

赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有钱吗？

毛毛： 兜里，多少钱哪才？才70多块钱。

赵本山：我还有400。行，够了。

毛毛： 这也不能够啊。

赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！

Uncle Zhao Here we are.

Yadar Here we are.

Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: "Scottish Tease / Fool."

Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.

Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.

Yadar But it's very expensive.

Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?

Yadar What bag?

Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.

Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.

Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?

Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.

Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.

Yadar Still not enough.

Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!

（小沈阳上）

小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。

赵本山：不是，我们是吃饭的。

小沈阳：妈呀，吃饭的？

赵本山：不像啊？

小沈阳：不太像。

赵本山：我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。

小沈阳：妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。

赵本山：咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。

小沈阳：这是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。你看，是有腿的哦。妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。

赵本山：行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。

小沈阳：呃，没问题。

赵本山：来来来，我问问你，你们这个酒店，如果要急头白脸吃一顿，得多少钱？

小沈阳：咋还吃急眼了呢？

赵本山：我意思就是，最贵的都点上。

小沈阳：得一、两万的。

赵本山：一、两万？啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账？

(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)

Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.

Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?

Shenyang Not quite.

Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.

Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.

Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?

Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.

Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.

Shenyang No problem.

Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?

Shenyang Why so / What's wrong?

Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.

Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.

Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?

小沈阳：打白条儿啊？

赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。

小沈阳：啥意思？

赵本山：小费。

小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。

赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。

小沈阳：咋兜呢？

赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要点贵菜......　　

小沈阳：我就说没有呗。

赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点。再给你30，来。

小沈阳：我跟你都明码的哦。

赵本山：谢谢。

小沈阳：放心吧。

毛毛： 爷爷，我有点饿了。

赵本山：饿了？来碗面条。

小沈阳：呃，78一碗。

赵本山：啥面？这么贵。

小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。

赵本山：是不是卤子贵？

小沈阳：卤不要钱。

赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。

小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。

赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。

小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。

Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?

Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.

Shenyang What's it?

Uncle Zhao A tip for you.

Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!

Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.

Shenyang Like how?

Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?

Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."

Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.

Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.

Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.

Shenyang Nothing much.

Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.

Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?

Shenyang 78 yuan.

Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?

Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.

Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?

Shenyang It's free.

Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.

Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.

Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.

Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)